Ill Fuxkin Do It Again Goofy

If laughter is the best medicine, here's a whole pharmacy. Below are hundreds of funny sayings that will make you express joy out loud, and maybe fifty-fifty cry a little. You're welcome.

ane. If I wanted to commit suicide, I would climb upwardly to the height of your ego and spring down to your IQ level.

2. 9 out of 10 voices in my head say that I'1000 crazy. The 10th is humming.

3. A bag of money can exist a symbol not only of wealth, but also of tremendous inflation.

5. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't demand information technology.

6. A broad smile is a cooler manner of showing your enemies that you have teeth.

7. A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it dorsum.

8. A good mood like is like a airship, one prick is all it takes to ruin it.

ix. A jellyfish has existed every bit a species for 500 million years, surviving merely fine without a encephalon. That gives hope to quite a few people.

10. A successful man is one who makes more than money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can discover such a man.

11. A train station is where the train stops. A jitney station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I take a work station…

12. A true optimist is the guy who falls off a skyscraper and after 50 floors thinks to himself – well, so far so good!

13. Co-ordinate to my mirror I am pregnant. The male parent is Nutella.

14. After millions of years of evolution, you're kind of a disappointment.

15. Alcohol does not solve whatsoever problems, just and so once more, neither does milk.

16. Booze! Considering no cracking story started with someone eating a salad.

17. All my life I thought air was for costless. That was until I bought a pocketbook of crisps.

19. Always recollect you're unique, just like everyone else.

20. An opportunist is the guy who drinks the water while the pessimist, the optimist and the realist are arguing about how full the glass is.

21. Any of us has the capacity to light up a room. Some when they enter, others when they leave it.

22. Equally long as cocoa beans grow on trees, chocolate is fruit to me.

23. Before my first cup of coffee I hate everybody. That doesn't change after I've had that coffee, but information technology feels much better.

24. Birthdays are practiced for you. Statistics show that people who have the near live the longest.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a parking meter.

26. Children in the back seat cause accidents, accidents in the back seat cause children!

27. Chocolate doesn't ask any questions. Chocolate but understands.

28. Come over to the dark side…we've got candy.

29. Confessions may be great for your soul, but they are hell for your reputation.

xxx. Dear math exercise book, kindly grow upward finally and solve your own problems!

31. Dental-Chair Revelation: Once you accept your mouth open, dentists lose the ability to inquire questions with a simple yeah or no answer.

32. Did you encounter (or mayhap get) a bad hairdo?

33. Do not contend with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat yous with feel.

34. Practise not let your mind wander also much. It is too small for you to let it out solitary.

35. Do people talk nearly you behind your back? Simply fart.

36. Do you remember when I asked you to give me your opinion? That'south correct, me neither.

37. Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?

38. Dogs have love masters. Cats have waiting staff.

39. Doing nix is hard, you never know when y'all're done.

forty. Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon.

41. Don't vacuum and mind to loud music on your headphones in the same fourth dimension. I finished iii rooms until I realized the vacuum wasn't even on.

42. Don't worry if plan A fails, at that place are 25 more letters in the alphabet.

43. Don't you wish they fabricated a clap on handclapping off device for some people'southward mouths?

44. Don't drink while driving – you might spill the beer.

45. Every dominion has an exception. This rule is no exception.

46. Everyone has the right to be stupid, simply some abuse that privilege.

47. Experience is a wonderful matter. Information technology enables you to recognize a error when you make information technology again.

48. A lot of people are only alive today because the law makes it impossible to shoot them.

49. Fart when people hug you. You'll make them experience strong.

50. Fat? Me? No, no, no! These are airbags considering I am precious.

51. Finally, the jump is hither! I'm so thrilled I wet my plants.

52. Funny offense: With a confront like yours, you take a good chance in a lawsuit against your parents.

53. Funny that you can't spell "slaughter" without "laughter."

54. Girls desire a lot from one guy. On the other mitt, a guy only wants i thing from a lot of girls.

55. Go bungee jumping. Your life started with a malfunctioning safety, so it's but right it should end that mode, too.

56. God created the globe, everything else is made in Prc.

57. Good thing Noah took those two coffee beans on board.

58. Hard work pays off in the future. Lolling on the couch pays off correct at present.

59. He who laughs last is a bit of a tiresome thinker.

threescore. He who wakes up early, yawns all twenty-four hours long.

61. Hearing voices in your caput is normal. Listening to them is quite common. Arguing with them – acceptable. It is just when you lose that statement that you go far existent trouble.

62. Help a woman when she's in problem. She will retrieve you when she'southward in trouble over again.

63. Here, accept a tissue. There's nevertheless a bit of bullshit left on your oral cavity.

64. How many times must I affluent before you lot finally get away?

65. How to win the centre of a woman? Kiss her, love her, go to the end of the world for her. How to win the heart of a man? Come naked and carry a pack of beer.

66. I am an example to others. A bad example.

67. I am in bear on with my motivation. I saw information technology going by this morning, waving at me and winking.

68. I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. I am perfect.

70. I am swift as a gazelle. An erstwhile ane. With arthritis. Run over past a Land Rover. eight days agone.

71. I asked God for a bike, just I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a cycle and asked for forgiveness.

72. I didn't fall down. I did assail the floor, though.

73. I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning time.

74. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

75. I go plenty practise pushing my luck.

76. I had loads to do today. Ah well, then now I accept loads to do tomorrow.

77. I like to be an optimist. Information technology pisses people off.

78. I read married couples do it about 74 times per yr. Information technology'southward finish of Nov at present. Seems I'm going to have a seriously exciting Dec!

79. I pass up to respond that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer.

fourscore. I refuse to take a battle of wits with an opponent so clearly unarmed.

81. I speak fluent ironic with a solid sarcastic accent.

82. I think the worst time to take a heart assault is during a game of charades.

83. I used to think that yous were a pain in the neck. My opinion of you has dropped significantly lower since then.

84. I weighed myself today. It is clear I am besides small for my weight.

If a human being said he'll set information technology, he'll set up it. There is no demand to nag him every six months about it.

85. I wonder what the hairstylist does for a living…

86. I would like to apologize to anyone whom I haven't offended all the same. Delight exist patient, I will become to you shortly.

87. I would similar to thank my arms for always beingness past my side, my legs for always supporting me, and my fingers, because I can always count on them.

88. I would similar to thank my eye finger for ever sticking up for me when I needed information technology.

89. I wouldn't exactly say I'chiliad lazy but it's a practiced thing that breathing is a reflex.

90. I'm jealous of my parents, I'll never take a kid equally absurd as them.

91. I'one thousand never tardily. The others are simply as well early!

92. I'm not clumsy, The flooring just hates me, the tabular array and chairs are bullies and the walls make it my style.

93. I'm not lazy. I'g just highly motivated to do nothing.

94. I'm really good at stuff until somebody watches me do that stuff.

95. I'd like to help you out today. Which way did you come in?

97. I'm all for irony, but the phrase "Good morn" seems to exist going a bit too far.

98. I'm aware that the voices in my caput aren't existent. But their ideas are just awesome sometimes!

99. I'thousand animate. That'south about it for today'south productivity.

100. I'thou not bossy, I but know exactly what you should be doing.

101. I'm non lazy. I'm simply naturally a very relaxed person.

102. I'thousand not reading any instructions. I just press buttons until it does what I want.

103. I'thou not saying I'yard Batman, simply and then far nobody has seen me and Batman together in the aforementioned room.

104. I'm pretty sure some people'south head is just a fill-in copy of their butt.

105. I'm continuing outside. In other words, I'm outstanding.

106. I'm very sorry virtually all those texts I sent y'all final night, unfortunately, my telephone was drunkard.

107. I'm very sorry to interrupt yous, but you must accept mistaken me for somebody who'south interested.

108. I've been single for and then many years I believe I will before long become an anthology.

109. If a human being said he'll fix it, he'll fix it. There is no demand to nag him every vi months about it.

110. If I tin still lie on the ground without having to hold myself, I'grand not drunk.

111. If I were you, I'd wish to be me!

112. If I'thousand non dorsum in five minutes, simply wait longer…

113. If I'g driving you crazy, please call up to put your seatbelt on.

114. If I've told yous one time, I've told you a one thousand thousand times: Don't exaggerate!

115. If honey is blind, then marriage is its spectacles.

116. If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.

117. If pro is the opposite of con, what would then be the opposite of progress?

118. If somebody calls you ugly, you tin merely say, "You've mistaken me for your mirror again, didn't you?"

119. If the grass is greener on the other side, fair bet is, the water pecker is higher too.

120. If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the boring side.

121. If you tin't live without me, why aren't you dead yet?

122. If you do a task too well, yous'll go stuck with it.

123. If you had to decide between a diet and a piece of chocolate, would you lot prefer dark, white or milk chocolate?

124. If you have been struck by a headache, follow the instructions on the aspirin bottle: Go along AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

125. If you run across nothing you could be grateful for, check your pulse.

126. If yous call up nobody cares if you're alive, effort missing a couple of banking company payments.

127. If you want someone who will listen to you every time, do everything you tell them to do, and always be there for you for better or for worse, get a dog.

128. If you want to keep a true perspective of your own importance, get a dog that will worship you and a true cat that will scorn you.

129. If you're hotter than me, and then that means I'm cooler than you lot.

130. If you're having a bad day, remember some adults wear braces.

131. If you lot're not supposed to eat at dark, why is in that location a low-cal seedling in the refrigerator?

132. If y'all're using the phrase "piece of cake equally taking candy from a infant," try taking candy from a baby.

133. If your friend asks for some of your chips, you can reply: There's no 'we' in chips.

134. If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.

135. If your wife wants to learn how to drive, y'all amend not exist standing in her manner.

136. In books, there hides swell knowledge; knowledge is power; power corrupts; abuse is a crime; crime doesn't pay… basically, if you go along on reading, you'll end up a beggar.

137. Intelligence relentlessly rides in your wake – just you are faster.

138. It is a fact of nature that light arrives faster than audio. Which is why some people tin appear quite bright, until they speak.

139. It is a truth universally acknowledged that your urge to pee intensifies as yous are unlocking the door.

140. It is important to make breaks between individual exercises. I personally stick to breaks of almost iii-4 years.

141. It is what's inside that matters – the fridge is a perfect example.

142. It may seem like I'one thousand doing nothing, but I'm actively waiting for my bug to disappear.

143. It'due south funny how many people get mad when a sentence doesn't cease every bit they carrot juice.

144. Jesus loves you lot. Everyone else thinks you lot're a smashing big idiot.

145. Just yous keep on talking, for sure someday you'll say something intelligent.

146. Life is short, grinning while y'all withal have teeth.

147. Looking at the size of these chicken fingers, that chicken must accept been around 8 or eleven anxiety tall.

148. Married women face a significantly lower gamble of kidnapping, nobody tin can be certain that the ransom would actually be paid.

149. May I be excused? My brain is quite full.

150. Maybe yous should motion. At that place must be a village looking for an idiot.

151. Money alone won't make you happy. You've got to ain it.

152. Coin tin can't buy happiness, but it certain makes misery easier to live with.

153. My boyfriend is then ugly, I sometimes have to put roofies in my own drinkable.

154. My goal this weekend is to move… simply enough then people don't think I'm dead.

155. My middle finger salutes yous!

156. My mood is currently swinging between an axe and gasoline.

157. My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not.

158. My relationship is like an iPad. I don't accept an iPad.

159. My wallet is like an onion. When I open up it, it makes me cry…

160. Never drive faster than a guardian angel can fly.

161. No thanks, I didn't fight my way to the elevation of the food pyramid to go a vegetarian.

162. No, I don't read. The letters get really repetitive after a while.

163. Of all the dogs, a hot dog is the most noble; it feeds the hand that bites it.

164. Of course I have a talent. I'1000 really skilful in bed. Sometimes I sleep more 9 hours in one get.

165. Of course you're non fatty. Just take hold of a couple of chairs and come sit with u.s..

166. Simply e'er trust your own butt to e'er stand backside you!

167. Organized people are just too lazy to search for stuff.

168. Compassion there'southward no gym for your face.

169. Promises are like babies… They're fun to brand but difficult to evangelize.

170. Whenever four New Yorkers get into a cab together with no arguing, a banking company has merely been robbed.

171. Quantity is what y'all count, quality is what yous count on.

172. Roses are crimson, violets are blue, God fabricated me pretty, what's he done to you?

173. Send out your heart to the emancipation movement, disguised women desire to be loved too.

174. Some people's Ten-rays actually wait much better than their photographs.

175. Somebody said today that I'm lazy. I nearly answered him.

176. Sometimes I drink water – but to surprise my liver.

177. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

178. Sometimes information technology'southward time to lay on the couch and do naught at all for two years.

179. Sorry, I can't hang out. My auntie's cousin's brother in police'southward best friend's auditor'southward roommate's pet goldfish died. Some other time possibly.

180. Stressed is just desserts spelled backwards.

181. Stupidity knows no boundaries, but it knows a lot of people.

182. Television is a medium – anything well done is rare.

183. Cheers, I don't demand a hairstylist. My pillow creates a new hairdo for me every morning.

184. The best part of going to work is coming back dwelling at the terminate of the day.

185. The first five days later on the weekend are the toughest.

186. Who else would put a waste product disposal pipeline running through a recreational area?

187. The human being body was clearly designed by a civil engineer.

188. The leading source of calculator problems is reckoner solutions.

189. The simply reason I'm fatty is because a tiny body couldn't shop all this personality.

190. The only scenario where you really need a land line today is when you're trying to find your smartphone.

191. The perfect man doesn't swear, doesn't smoke, doesn't get angry, doesn't drink. He also doesn't exist.

192. The road to success is ever under construction.

193. The shortest horror story: Monday.

194. The snorers are always the ones to autumn comatose kickoff.

195. The truthful nature of a human existence clearly shows when the supermarket opens a second cash desk-bound.

196. At that place are days when y'all just want to envelop everybody with light and warmth… preferably through the employ of a flamethrower.

197. There are people who are a living proof that total brain failure does non always lead to physical decease.

198. There is no lousy weather condition, only lousy choice of clothing.

199. There was a time when I would have given myself to you, at present I'one thousand not fifty-fifty willing to throw up in your direction.

200. They say criminal offence doesn't pay. So does my electric current job make me a criminal?

201. They say good, honest piece of work never did anybody whatsoever harm, but I don't want even the slightest hazard.

202. They say money doesn't bring you happiness. All the same, it is better to verify things for yourself.

203. They say coin doesn't grow on trees, but why do banks take branches so?

204. War never decides who is correct. War but decides who is left.

205. WARNING: Alcohol consumption may cause yous to think that you are whispering when you are quite definitely not.

206. We got divorced on the grounds of religious differences. My husband thought he was God.

207. What can you say when it'due south already late and you really want to go habitation?

208. Can y'all hear that? That'due south my pillow calling and it becomes really mean when I let information technology wait likewise long.

209. I think you deserve a standing ovation … of my longest finger!

210. What would you, equally an uninvolved political party, say on the topic of intelligence?

211. When a bird hits your window, how do y'all know God isn't playing Angry Birds with you?

212. When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

213. When people tell me "You're going to regret that in the forenoon," I sleep in until apex considering I'thousand a problem solver.

214. When you're right, no one remembers. When you're incorrect, no i forgets.

215. When you're calling a woman, you need to call her twice. Kickoff fourth dimension to give her a chance to find the phone in her pocketbook, the second time for her to actually answer.

216. Whoever said "nothing is incommunicable" clearly never tried slamming a revolving door.

217. Yes, the early bird catches the worm, only the 2d mouse gets the cheese.

218. You are so fake, even China doesn't desire to be associated with you.

219. Y'all can go anywhere you lot like; you lot must only await serious and carry a clipboard.

220. Yous can simply be immature one time. Just y'all can enjoy being infantile forever.

222. You tin can't have everything, where would you put it?

223. You have to excuse me, I endure from emotional constipation. I really can't give a shit.

224. Yous but take bad luck when you think.

225. You look just like I feel…

226. You lot may have one but that doesn't mean y'all have to human activity similar one.

227. You lot may call back the grass is greener on the other side, simply it'southward mayhap because there's more manure there!

228. You never truly understand something until yous can explicate it to your grandmother.

229. Yous were the merely child in your family unit to be given up for adoption.

230. Yous won't observe whatever brains back there.

231. You're born gratuitous, then y'all're taxed to death.

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Source: https://thoughtcatalog.com/jeremy-london/2018/09/funny-sayings/